Haunting Words

So of course I've had my son. He was born April 20th, 7lbs 3 oz and 19 in long. He's my lil prince and I love him soo much. Kids are a blessing, I see that now.

As far as me right now, I'm OK I suppose. Still having trust issues in my mind when it comes to my man and how he feels about me. I try to believe him when he says he loves me and everything, but I always still think in the back of my mind that he's straight throwing me under the bus when he talks to other people, especially the mother of his 2 oldest boys. I've seen some of the things he's said to her about me and I sometimes wonder why I'm even still around. I love him, but what is a relationship without trust? I know around the time I was still pregnant getting ready to have my son, he was talking to her. Matter of fact, even the night I was laboring like crazy at home, he was talking to her, and it wasn't just about the kids either. I'm here, really wanting to be in this completely and I feel like I'm going to look like a fool somehow in the end. Do I believe he had sex with her when I was in the hospital after I had my son? Sometimes I do. But even if he didn't, the things that I've seen him telling her, especially around the time of me having my son kinda hurts. If you really don't want me to live with you when you get straight, just tell me. Why tell it to her, and then tell me something different? If you get this "bad vibe" all of a sudden then why still be with me? I always see those words in my head and they're very hard to erase.

*sigh* I just don't know what to do. I don't plan on leaving, but I don't know whether to talk about and see if it makes me feel better, or just keep it to myself. I'm leaning towards just keeping it to myself. That's always safe. Maybe there's no need to make a big fuss over it. It was 2 months ago and he could've felt different about me 2 months ago. But at the same time, if I wasn't picking up on any bad vibes, or anything being wrong with us, then it still is OK for it to hurt my feelings when I think about it. I've been with somebody once that was talking to me and still talking to their EX, telling them something completely different. I don't want to go through that again.